When You’re Ready to Dance—and They Just Want to Sit
Inspired by a friend who is coming to terms with the challenge of aging at a different pace than her life partner; and a short quiz to take about which season you're in.
A Note from Me to You:
If you’re someone who values growth, reflection, and lifelong learning, you’re exactly who I have in mind when I write. I aim to provoke thought and offer content that’s both meaningful and useful as we navigate life’s transitions.
A conversation with a friend inspired this issue. She is coming to terms with the challenge of aging at a different pace than her husband. I’ve included a few thoughts and practical tips—while you may not face this yourself, you might know someone who would appreciate the insight so please share. You’ll also find a short, fun quiz to help you consider what season of life you're in right now.
I’d love to know your season! Share it in the comments.
Aging at Different Speeds: How to Find Your Way Together When One of You Slows Down
You planned to grow old together.
But no one tells you what to do when your spouse ages quicker than you.
I recently spoke with a friend who’s facing this shift. She’s energetic, curious, and still wants to go and do. Her husband, though the same age, has been steadily withdrawing from activities and their social life.
It’s not that he can’t participate.
It’s that he doesn’t feel the desire to.
It’s like going to a party ready to dance, and your partner just wants to be a wallflower.
When “I Can’t” Really Means “I Don’t Want To”
Not every slowdown is medical.
But sometimes it is physical.
Fatigue, chronic pain, poor sleep, or undiagnosed conditions can sap a person’s energy and motivation. When someone feels exhausted just getting through the day, they may not even recognize how much they've retreated.
What appears to be disinterest may actually be a sign of physical exhaustion. It’s essential to gently explore whether eating habits, exercise routines, sleep patterns, treatable conditions, or medication side effects may be contributing to the shift, without making assumptions or accusations.
Nevertheless, the hardest kind of decline to watch is the one that’s chosen: when a capable person stops showing up for their own life —and, by default, yours too.
And while no one wants to say it out loud, let’s say it here:
When a spouse refuses to engage, take care of themselves, or contribute to shared life, it can feel like a form of abandonment.
The kind that erodes connection, dims joy, and leaves the other partner carrying the emotional and social weight of two people.
The Silent Drift Is Not Inevitable—But It Is Real
This isn’t about blaming. It’s about naming the truth.
Relationships require effort, even at this stage of life. But if one person stops investing, the other is left to decide:
Do I shrink my world to match theirs?
Or do I continue to grow and risk leaving them behind?
The Power of Naming It
If this is your reality, begin with a clear and loving conversation.
“I feel like I’m doing this part of life alone.”
“When you stop trying, it hurts. Not because I need you to be different, but because I miss you.”
Avoid sarcasm or shaming. Lead with heart. You’re not asking them to become someone else. You’re asking them to still be with you.
Motivating a Partner Who’s Capable but Checked Out
1. Invite Ownership, Not Guilt
Instead of: “You’re letting yourself go,”
Try:
“We both deserve to feel good in this stage of life. What’s something small we can each commit to this week?”
2. Connect Wellness to Relationship
“When you take care of yourself, it’s not just about your body. It’s about our ability to
keep doing life together.”
3. Make It Tangible
Suggest one activity:
A short evening walk
A weekly dinner out
Visiting friends or grandkids
Inviting friends over for a casual dinner and game night
4. Ask for Accountability
If they’re overwhelmed or unsure how to start, help break it down. Create a plan
together. Encourage medical checkups, mental health support, or even joining a group
with you.
5. Remind Them: Withdrawal Has a Cost
“When you choose not to engage, it doesn’t just affect you. We are both losing ‘us’.”
You Still Deserve a Full Life
If your spouse refuses to participate, and you’ve asked with clarity and kindness, you’re not required to stop growing or shrink your own life.
You can’t control their effort, but you can choose your response—choosing joy, staying engaged, and continuing to build a life that reflects your values and vitality.
You don’t have to sit it out just because they do. This season of life still has music—you’re allowed to dance to your own rhythm.
🍂Take the “What Season Are You In?” Quiz
You and your partner, friends, and siblings might all be the same age and still be in very different seasons of life.
Take this short self-check to help you name the season you’re in right now. No right or wrong answers—just insight.
Instructions: Choose the answer that feels most like you at this moment. Tally the number of As, Bs, Cs, and Ds you select.
1. How do your days generally feel?
A. Calm and reflective, like a long walk under golden trees
B. Restless and curious—I’m thinking about what’s next
C. Energized! I’ve got plans, projects, and a to-do list
D. Slower, heavier—I’m letting go of things, sometimes reluctantly
2. When you look at your calendar…
A. It’s comfortably full—routine suits me
B. I’m trying something new, or thinking about a big shift
C. I’m packing in as much as I can—travel, meetups, purpose
D. I’m saying “no” more often, choosing stillness
3. Emotionally, you’re…
A. Grateful and content, but nostalgic
B. On the edge of change—hopeful but unsettled
C. Focused outward—wanting to contribute or build
D. Processing big transitions—health, loss, retirement, or letting go
4. How do you approach relationships right now?
A. I savor long conversations and shared memories
B. I’m seeking people who understand where I’m headed
C. I’m mentoring or inspiring others—I feel called to do more
D. I’m more private, needing space or rest
Results:
Mostly A’s – Autumn
You’re in a reflective season. You treasure what’s been and are learning to hold it lightly. This is a time of wisdom, storytelling, and beauty, marked by slowing down.
Mostly B’s – Spring
You’re in a season of awakening. Something within you is blooming—perhaps a dream, a move, or a new mindset. Even if you’re older, you feel new.
Mostly C’s – Summer
This is your season of activity and contribution. You’re building, mentoring, helping, doing. You’re not done—you’re in the thick of it.
Mostly D’s – Winter
This is a quieter season. It may involve grief, healing, or transition, but also deep roots and clarity. Winter prepares us for what’s next.
Reflect:
Does your current season match your life partner’s or someone close to you?
How might that affect your connection or expectations?
What do you need in this season? Are you honoring that?
Celebrate the New Year with me in the next issue! Yes, I’m declaring a new New Year. Until then, live inspired! - Mary
Join Me for Something Meaningful
I’m inviting you to be part of the very first Seasons & Moments Life Story Course. It’s a 5-week online experience I’ve created to help you reflect, write, and share the moments that shaped you—no writing experience needed.
We start August 5 (daytime) and August 6 (evening), and because you're part of this community, you can join for just $99 (normally $149).
This isn’t just about writing—it’s about honoring your story. I’d love to have you in the group.
Watch a short video and learn more at crimminscommunications.com/courses, or email me directly: mary@crimminscommunications.com.