The Choice That Makes Life Simpler (and Kinder)
Curated Just for You: the seductive trap of a polite yes, the integrity of a well-timed no, and a challenge to stop defaulting to appeasement. Ready to make choices that match your values? Start here.
Little by little, I’ve been writing a book tentatively titled 55 Differences You Must Teach Your Child: Raising Wise Children in a Challenging World—For Parents, Grandparents, and All Who Guide Them. What follows is a rough draft of one of the chapters. Even if you’re not a parent, I think you’ll find the ideas useful. They offer worthwhile food for thought about how we grow, how we influence others, and how we build character in the next generation—and in ourselves.
This difference challenges the reflex to please others at the cost of your own integrity.
I wish people wouldn’t say “Yes” when they want to say “No.” I realize they sometimes say yes automatically, without stopping to consider whether they genuinely want to or are able to. It’s a reflex.
Then, they find themselves lacking the time, inclination, or ability to follow through.
The polite yes becomes a snowball–gathering regret, tension, and procrastination as it rolls. The result is often ghosting the other person or stringing them along with “I’ll get to it soon.”
The law of diminishing intent takes over–the longer you put off doing something, the less likely you are to do it.
The Bible says, “Let your yes be yes and your no be no.”1 Or as nineteenth-century humorist Josh Billings put it, “Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.”
I am convinced that one of the kindest habits we can develop and model for our children is avoiding a “polite yes.” Saying “no” is often the most considerate choice we can make. Yet, we get so caught up in being polite and wanting to avoid disappointing another person that we end up with regrets.
Like most people, I faced many demands on the job. As a classroom teacher, I faced demands from students, administration, and parents, sometimes simultaneously. I learned that if I wasn’t in the frame of mind to consider a request thoughtfully (I was hungry, tired, distracted, just really had to pee), I had to make it a practice to say “no” initially.
This practice allowed me to give myself time to reflect and reconsider. While some might have misunderstood this as being distant or unkind, my intention was to ensure I could genuinely serve others in the best possible way.
If you say “yes” and then regret it or realize you can’t follow through, the kindest action you can then take for the other person is to let them know as soon as possible. Be honest. Communicating that you changed your mind is much better than leaving the other person hanging. Being ghosted isn’t just frustrating–it’s impolite.
The power of a “kind no” lies in its consideration and respect for the other person and yourself.
Moral of the story: It’s better to say “no,” and then change your mind to “yes” than it is to say yes to something you are not fully committed to.
Many of us learn to say “yes” just to please others—even when they really mean “no.” That habit can grow into a lifetime of people-pleasing, overcommitment, and quiet resentment.
Practical tips for parents and other humans:
1. When your child or any other person hesitates before saying yes, pause and ask,
“Are you saying yes because you want to—or because you feel like you have
to?” It’s a powerful way to build awareness.
2. Next time, before you offer a “polite yes,” do the following:
Take time to evaluate your capacity. Do you have the time, energy, motivation, and resources?
Reflect on your motivation. Why are you saying “yes”? Is it guilt, fear, a sense of obligation, or quid pro quo?
Consider the impact on your priorities. Does saying “yes” align with what you have determined to be essential in your life?
Personal Reflection:
What would it have meant for you to learn this difference earlier? How can you
give that gift to your child and others now?