Ourselves, Our Posterity
In this issue: Action brings hope, tribe versus community, a call for connection without conformity and steps to build community.
Grounded Hope, New Possibilities
“Believing in new possibilities helps people fight back against the idea of permanence and propel them to seek out new options; they find the will and the way to move forward. Psychologists call this ‘grounded hope,’ the understanding that if you take action, you can make things better.” from Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam M. Grant
Choose Community Over Tribe: A Call for Connection Without Conformity
In today’s divided world, it’s common to hear people talk about “finding their tribe.” This concept of a tribe is often celebrated as a source of belonging and support, but it can also have certain limitations.
The problem is that when we prioritize tribe over community, we risk closing ourselves off to diverse perspectives and missing out on the richness that comes from engaging with people who think differently or come from different backgrounds. For instance, I’ve experienced church small groups as tribal when there was an assumption that everyone belongs to the same political party and votes the same. While there were also community components of praying for each other, meals provided in a time of need, and social events, when you’re the odd woman out in the tribe, the sense of community is diminished.
For those of us 55 and older, embracing the idea of community over tribe is especially important. We should strive for connections free from the pressure of conformity.
Tribes: Their Drawbacks and Benefits
In the context of this article, a tribe refers to a group of people who share a strong identity based on common beliefs, values, or interests. This tribal mindset can be seen in sports fans–think Green Bay Packers Cheeseheads–political groups, and social circles, where deviating from the group’s views is viewed as disloyal.
While tribes can provide support and a sense of belonging, one of their most problematic aspects is the tendency to become partisan and have an unspoken expectation of uniform thinking. Political tribes, for example, often demand complete loyalty to a particular ideology, leading to an "us vs. them" mentality and vilifying differing perspectives. This leads to an echo chamber where differing opinions are discouraged, and groupthink takes over. Meaningful dialog becomes virtually impossible.
It’s important to note that tribes aren’t always negative. In certain contexts, having a tribe can be helpful, especially regarding specific, goal-oriented activities where cohesion and teamwork are essential, like in a running club or business mastermind. In these cases, a tribe can offer the encouragement and accountability needed to pursue specific passions or goals, as long as it doesn’t bleed into other areas of life where open-mindedness and diverse opinions are essential.
Community Should Prevail
Unlike a tribe, a community is more inclusive. It brings people from varied backgrounds together and welcomes an open exchange of ideas. This allows for deeper learning, richer conversations, and more dynamic encounters, as well as greater trust and respect.
Having a community is crucial as we age. We still need to seek continued purpose and uplifting connections. Communities provide the perfect platform for engaging with others to promote personal growth while allowing for individual expression.
However, belonging to a community can feel challenging due to the barriers to entry. Some of our peers have long-established social circles, and even when they welcome newcomers, the conversations often revolve around past shared experiences. Then there are those whose grown children and grandchildren have become the center of their social lives.
Nevertheless, while it may feel intimidating to make new friends and build new communities, it can be done. Overcoming the barriers requires intentionality. Start by enjoying daily interactions like chatting with the checkout person or walking with a neighbor. Be open to learning and showing curiosity about others' experiences, even when perspectives differ.
If You Build It, They Will Come
The aim here, though, is to be an active, appreciated, and generous member of a community. Here are some tips to help you achieve this.
BE YOU, BE VULNERABLE! Building a community requires being vulnerable and being willing to show up as your authentic self. As we get older, it can feel daunting to put ourselves out there, especially after experiencing rejection or loss. However, vulnerability is key. Being open about your interests, values, and even your struggles allows others to connect with you on a deeper level. You don’t have to be perfect or have everything together—showing your true self is the foundation for genuine relationships.
LISTEN WELL, CONNECT BETTER! Communities are built on mutual respect and understanding, which starts with active listening. Focus on what the other person is saying without planning your response. People feel valued when they are truly heard, which is a key step toward creating new connections.
SMALL ACTIONS, BIG RESULTS! Community begins with small actions. If you’re unsure how to create a sense of belonging, start by extending kindness in simple ways—chatting with a neighbor, offering help when someone needs it, or checking in on a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while. These small gestures can lead to larger, more meaningful connections over time.
ACT DAILY, SEIZE OPPORTUNITIES! Many people over 55 struggle with social apprehension, especially if they’ve experienced changes in their social circle due to retirement, moving, losing touch with old friends, or the death of loved ones. To reframe this, don’t think of connection as formal but as something that happens in everyday life. Make connections at the grocery store by engaging with the cashier, walking with a neighbor, or chatting with a stranger while sitting in a park. Every interaction is an opportunity to connect.
YOU’RE AWESOME, ENRICH OTHERS! As we age, it can be easy to think that we have less to offer or that people are less interested in connecting with us. It’s essential to remind yourself that your life experiences, wisdom, and stories are valuable. You have a wealth of knowledge and insight that can enrich others’ lives. Confidence in the value you bring will help you engage with others more freely.
TAKE INITIATIVE, DO THE INVITING! Creating shared experiences is a powerful way to build community. You can be the one to take the initiative rather than waiting to be invited. This doesn’t need to be elaborate; it could be as simple as organizing a weekly walk, sharing a meal, or starting a conversation circle on a topic of interest. Such experiences create trust, laying a foundation for genuine connection. While reaching out can feel intimidating, remember others are seeking connection, too.
EMBRACE IMPERFECTION, LET GO OF CONTROL! Sometimes, the pressure to find “our people” can lead to disappointment if we don’t connect instantly. Let go of the expectation that community will be immediate or perfect. Some connections may grow slowly, while others may fall away. Being open to the natural flow of relationships without trying to control the outcome makes building community less stressful.
Tag You’re it!
While tribes offer support in specific contexts like team sports or creative pursuits, the broader goal should be cultivating communities where we retain our individuality while engaging in meaningful connections. By approaching community with openness, small acts of kindness, and a willingness to do the inviting, you can build meaningful relationships that transcend a tribe's limitations.
Communities enrich our lives and help us contribute to ensuring a society that values growth, empathy, and collective well-being. Be the one to take the first step–share a kind word, extend an invitation, and experience new connections.